i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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