my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
