he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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