My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
