You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
