I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
