The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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