My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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