I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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