I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
