i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
