I'm going to rape someone's good day.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
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