the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
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