Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
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