I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Randomize
