I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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