Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Randomize
