Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Randomize
