I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
