I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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