Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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