this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I'm like, not good at living.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
