omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize