just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
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