I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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