I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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