The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
We were destined to go to rehab together
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Randomize
