Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
