dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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