Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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