Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Randomize
