is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
