I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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