if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
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