it was like his penis was on wheels.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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