After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
