seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
