So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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