Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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