At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
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