Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
