life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize