the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
This gyro tastes like lonliness
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
