the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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