When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Everyone says I win the strip club
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
