the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
