Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
