I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
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