hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize