If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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