just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
You ruined the universe
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
