it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
