Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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