I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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