Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
