My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize