i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize