From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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