help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
