my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
