At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
