If i come over, it means nothing
Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
