im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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