just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
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