You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize