I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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