9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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