i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
